What is Living Apart Together The term "Living Apart Together" means that two people who are in a romantic relationship choose to live separately. LAT arrangements vary; it can be a couple who is married or unmarried. Young couples, and older couples whose spouse may have passed on and choose to commit yet remain unmarried. However, for the sake of this article, the focus is on married couples who choose to live apart. LAT is a non-traditional way to be a couple. Couples living apart together may have different reasons for doing so. Many older couples consider LAT a lifestyle choice. Younger couples often choose this lifestyle to avoid the problems that come with a break-up. Who am I to write about Living Apart Together? Well, I have the first-hand experience of living it; LAT saved my marriage. David Essel, my guest on this podcast episode has four decades of counseling married couples using this technique. Being in love, and yet living in separate residences, could be the answer to millions of people who are looking for both a deep connection and inner peace the same time. ~ David Essel Living apart to save a marriage gives each partner the time and space to heal. LAT couples who want to succeed will come to a mutual agreement on the terms of the relationship. For most, one boundary is no intimate relationships outside of the nuclear couple. It's best to set boundaries for household living arrangements, what's okay and what's not, etc. Expectations cause anger, resentment, and frustration for couples who live together as well as those who choose separate dwellings. As David mentions in this podcast episode, it's crucial to set those boundaries, and he suggests putting it in writing. We made a verbal commitment, in the presence of our therapist. Does living apart together work? Many married couples stay together because splitting up is difficult. Dividing property and moving are just a couple of obstacles in divorce. There is something wonderful about knowing that you are together because you choose to be, not because it is convenient. What happens when a couple chooses to spend some time separately is that they have enough space to find that love they once had. Finding out that living apart makes you happier as a couple doesn't mean you should live apart forever. It's an option for sure, but so is living together again once things are sorted out. Is it healthy for married couples to live apart? This depends upon the couple. But it is possible for a married couple to live apart and maintain a healthy relationship. If both parties are mutually vested in the relationship they will work at their marriage just as hard as a couple living under the same roof. In fact, some would argue that couples who live separately are allowing their relationship to breathe and grow whereas living under the same roof can lead to feelings of bitterness and being suffocated by their partners' constant presence. I've seen plenty of examples of married couples who trudge on living under the same roof, unhappily married, bitter towards one another, bouts of the silent treatment, and worse. What percentage of married couples live separately? According to data from the US Census Bureau, an estimated four million married couples live apart. Other instances where this works? Military families Long haul truck drivers Firefighters People who live far apart due to careers (happens all the time in China) A long-distance relationship for other reasons Blended families where each parent lives with their child from a previous marriage Pros of Living Apart Together Separate downtime. More alone time, especially meaningful for someone who has been raising children for 30+ years Your own space to do with as you please A greater appreciation for one another Appreciate sex more (absence makes the heart grow fonder) Reduces the friction that comes from living with a loved one.
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