In this tutorial we have a Band 6.5 – 7 essay graded by an EX-IELTS examiner (from our team of essay correctors!).
First you can read the essay, and after we break down which sentences helped this essay score a Band 6.5 – 7.
This tutorial will help you understand:
How an essay gets a Band 7
What sentence structures and language is needed for a Band 7
How you can link ideas smoothly
Have a look at the introductory paragraph and the analysis:
REVIEW
Recently majority of individuals has become more aware (CC1) of what university program they have to pursue, in order to launch a great career that will lead them to acquire a high salary in the future and that will achieve the life (LR1) that they have been dreaming for (LR2). However, staying in one company or running just one business it (GR1) must be changeable in this century, to make people life (GR2) more interesting and stimulating. yet, a small numbers of people believes that working at the same job from the beginning until the end of their life its (GR3) better than working in a different spots with different skills from while to while (LR3). In contrast (CC2), other folks (LR4) thinks its crucial to make alterations and changes in your life positions. However, in this essay I will analyze both sides of the argument before presenting my opinion (TR1).
CC1 – This could flow more naturally. Why ‘recently’? Why ‘the majority of individuals’? Perhaps ‘These days… most young people…’? LR1 – Good use of collocation here – ‘pursue a course of study’, ‘launch a career’… LR2 – The collocation is ‘dream of sthg’. GR1 – Omit this pronoun to make the sentence structure correct. You already have a subject. GR2 – people’s lives GR3 – As with GR1, ‘working at the same job…. of their life’ is the subject – so just use ‘is’ here. LR3 – ‘from time to time’ is the fixed expression you need here. CC2 – Good to link your ideas together smoothly. LR4 – A bit out of place in a formal essay.TR1 – Good task achievement here. Paraphrasing the question and providing an outline of your essay.
firstly, Some people thinks (GR4) that it is good for the employees to continue working for their current employer throughout their life extension (LR5) / (TR2). nevertheless (CC3), being in a stable career for a long period will boost the employer skills and qualifications that will lead to a convenient life. A prime example of that (CC4) / (TR3) will be a study by the Harvard university that indicates 50 percent of the American professional (GR5) who have been working in the same job for over 20 years (GR6) have superior salary package (GR5) and great senior positions.
GR4 – Be sure to proofread. Check your use of punctuation and your subject-verb agreement.LR5 – This sounds very odd. Perhaps ‘their working lives’ or ‘their careers’?
TR2 – Good to organise your ideas into appropriate paragraphs.
CC3 – Check the meaning / use of this word.
CC4 – An appropriate way to introduce an example.
TR3 – Good to support the points you make with examples.
GR5 – This should be ‘of American professionals’ / ‘superior salary packages’ – use the plural form with no article to talk about something ‘in general’.
GR6 – Accurate use of a relative clause together with the present perfect continous. Good!
Secondly, on the contrary (TR4), other folks believes that altering your job consider as a life changing to extend (CC5) the numerous opportunities to acquire loads of new skills (LR6), new friends ties and new different job locations which will lead you to travel around the country or the world. To illustrate, recent world bank studies showed that (CC6) / (TR5) 44% of the workers who have been switching their position have a significant health (LR7) according to the yearly medical surveys. Foretheremore, companies prefer the independent employer who has the courage to obtain skills which they need from his own experience via communicating and involving in a major operations and meeting others who are in a high position to gain the knowledge and the experience that they had (CC7).
TR4 – Right idea with introducing the other side of the argument.
CC5 – This is a bit incoherent. Be sure to express yourself clearly.
LR6 – ‘acquire new skills’ shows appropriate use of collocation, although ‘loads’ is a bit informal for this type of essay.
CC6 – An appropriate way to introduce an example.
TR5 – Good to support the ideas you present with examples.
LR7 – This doesn’t sound natural. Perhaps ‘are in good health’ or ‘have few health issues’?
CC7 – Do you mean ‘furthermore’? This sentence becomes a bit incoherent.
To recapitulate (TR6), working in one place for a long time is not an enormous problem but for a better and entertainment (LR8) life, people should spend their career life by felling satisfied which will be with tempt a new experience (CC8) from while to while. however, I Personally (GR7) believe that navigate from a place to another is suitable for everyone and should everybody to try (GR8) diffirent things not only about career life.
TR6 – Good organisation – introducing your conclusion clearly and appropriately.
LR8 – Be careful here. ‘Entertainment’ is a noun, not an adjective. Perhaps ‘enjoyable’ or ‘rewarding’?
CC8 – This could be more coherent.
GR7 – Take care with punctuation here.
GR8 – Be sure to proofread carefully – ‘everyone should try…’.
PROBABLE SCORE: 6.5 / 7.0
ORIGINAL ESSAY (WITHOUT COLOURED COMMENTS)
Some people believe that employees should stay in the same job for the rest of their lives. Others think they should switch jobs at least once during their career.
To what extent do you agree / disagree?
Recently majority of individuals has become more aware of what university program they have to pursue, in order to launch a great career that will lead them to acquire a high salary in the future and that will achieve the life that they have been dreaming for. However, staying in one company or running just one business it must be changeable in this century, to make people life more interesting and stimulating. yet, a small numbers of people believes that working at the same job from the beginning until the end of their life its better than working in a different spots with different skills from while to while. In contrast, other folks thinks its crucial to make alterations and changes in your life positions. However, in this essay I will analyze both sides of the argument before presenting my opinion .
firstly, Some people thinks that it is good for the employees to continue working for their current employer throughout their life extension. nevertheless, being in a stable career for a long period will boost the employer skills and qualifications that will lead to a convenient life. A prime example of that will be a study by the Harvard university that indicates 50 percent of the American professional who have been working in the same job for over 20 years have superior salary package and great senior positions.
Secondly, on the contrary, other folks believes that altering your job consider as a life changing to extend the numerous opportunities to acquire loads of new skills, new friends ties and new different job locations which will lead you to travel around the country or the world. To illustrate, recent world bank studies showed that 44% of the workers who have been switching their position have a significant health according to the yearly medical surveys. foretheremore, companies prefer the independent employer who has the courage to obtain skills which they need from his own experience via communicating and involving in a major operations and meeting others who are in a high position to gain the knowledge and the experience that they had.
To recapitulate, working in one place for a long time is not an enormous problem but for a better and entertainment life, people should spend their career life by felling satisfied which will be with tempt a new experience from while to while. however, I Personally believe that navigate from a place to another is suitable for everyone and should everybody to try diffirent things not only about career life.
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