Have you ever been called a ‘sensitive’ or ‘oversensitive’ person? I have. Being sensitive is a powerful thing. It opens the door to empathy, compassion, insight, passion, and deep awareness beyond the surface level of the lives so many around us are living. But with this gift of sensitivity comes the risk of absorbing unhelpful fears, concerns and unnecessary worries and ways of being from those around us. Without some awareness, we can find ourselves claiming these unhelpful emotions as our own, and allowing them to affect us, and limit us. But we don’t have to. Here is what I’m learning…
Let’s pretend Have you ever had an idea for a small business? Something creative and fun that you think would really get your juices flowing? A year or two ago I enjoyed a movie called ‘Our Idiot Brother’ starring Paul Rudd. It’s about a big-hearted, but bumbling fellow who teaches his family some important lessons about life simply by living his own. I vaguely recall that at end of the movie he finds himself making candles – so let’s go with that. Let’s pretend that you have an idea to start a beautiful candle making business. After discussing this with your older brother you feel deflated because he asked you a question and shared a concern, both of which seemed to take the air out of your enthusiasm.
The question The first question your responsible older brother asked you was, “Where do you intend to get the money that it will take to start this thing?” This was a solid, practical question. In order to start any kind of business there is always some kind of initial investment. It can be quite small, like starting something online and using lots of free resources, or a bit more significant if you’re creating a physical product. With candle making, there would certainly be some supplies and other startup costs for marketing and such. Who knows, maybe you were planning on asking your brother for a loan.
The concern After asking about the money for your initial investment, your brother also shared the following, “I’m just a little concerned about the extent to which you’ve thought this through. You have a good job and things are going well for you, are you sure that you want to risk all of that for this candle thing?” Let’s uncover this concern immediately. While it may be true that your brother has true and heart-felt concern for you and your well-being, this concern that he just shared is about him. Fear forms the basis for his concern, and as you walk away from the conversation feeling deflated, you have just unwittingly taken on his fear as your own.
Misery loves company Have you ever noticed that it’s hard to be around people who are happy when you are feeling sad? Or that it’s hard to be around people who are successful and thriving, when you feel uncertain and somewhat miserable? Or that it hurts to be around those who are wonderfully in love, when you feel romantically heart broken? I There is truth in the saying, “misery loves company” – because it does. But it’s not just misery that likes the company, fear likes the company too. Our egos feel most comfortable and our emotions most validated when we find ourselves around other human beings who feel the way that we do. This is an important awareness. As unhelpful emotions tend to perpetuate from person to person, you can choose not to participate in the cycle. It may be as simple as choosing some different company.
Validation through others There is something else that our ego minds enjoy about the company of people who think and feel the way that we do – validation. We don’t like to be challenged to change, or to have choices for which we have second guessed ourselves placed on a platter in front of us. It does not feel good, so we simultaneously seek out those who reflect how we see ourselves as we avoid those who don’t. What if when your brother was expressing concern about your business idea, he was actually expressing his regret about not having followed through on an idea that he had for himself years earlier? If you are courageous enough to follow your idea with enthusiasm, where does that leave him? If however you do not follow through, and you stay with the good job that you have, then his choices have been validated through yours.
It’s not malicious At this point in our pretend story it would be easy to cast the older brother as a villain. But his character is far from malicious with his intent. It is simply through lack of awareness that an interaction like this occurs. It happens when we don’t spend the time to deepen our awareness, and to notice and call out the tricks and games that our ego minds play. And the game is being played on both sides of the conversation. It’s being played on your brother’s side in that he is not aware that his words are coming from a place of emotion, and therefore more about him than about you. And it’s being played on your side, if you are not aware of the foundation from where his words are coming, and if your own emotional reactions to his words end up guiding your choices. And there’s more.
His fear is not yours What if when you shared your idea with your brother, he said nothing? What if everything that we have discussed so far were true, but instead of putting words to any of it, he simply smiled and took a sip of his water. Or maybe he simply said, “Interesting idea” and left it at that. It would not matter. The result would have been the same because you are a sensitive person, and sensitive people can pick up on the energy that thrives beneath fear, worry, and concern. You could quite effectively absorb his fear and concern and choose to call it your own. But it’s not yours. It’s his. Or at least he has decided to own it as his.
The other side of all of this To the same extent that fear breeds fear, enthusiasm breeds enthusiasm, happiness breeds happiness and courage breeds courage. This is great news. We can also absorb and enjoy energy from those who are thriving – we are built to do so. And as we increase our awareness and gain insight through our inner exploration and meditative practices, we reduce and clean out our fears and therefore no longer house them for others to absorb. In this we become lightness for ourselves and others. At the same time we tend to attract others who are living in lightness and this enhances and encourages our lighter, happier, more awake and alive way of being. We become part of an uplifting, mutually beneficial sharing of positive energy.
The necessary bubble As we naturally begin to come at life from this more awakened and alive state, and attract others who are living from a similar place, we still regularly interact with those who are in contraction, those who haven’t quite made their way onto this path yet -this path for which we are all destined. With these interactions, and especially if the interaction is regular and frequent, there are two things we must do in order to maintain our momentum. First, there is a necessary bubble that we must create around our inner being. This bubble protects us from absorbing through our sensitive channels, things from others that do not serve us – things like fear, anxiety, disbelief and despair. This bubble is exactly what would prevent your ego mind latching on to your brother’s fear-based approach to your candle business, and then calling that fear your own. Second, through our heightended awareness we can relate to our fellow human beings with compassion and understanding – we can serve as a lighthouse in the fog for them, simply by being our true selves.
Satsang As we learn to exist in this new way of being, we can certainly bring lightness and ease to all those whom we encounter. But we should not interpret this as a requirement to do so – as a requirement to spend time with those who are choosing differently. Quite the contrary. Last week’s post was titled, ‘Let go of your need to sacrifice’ – and in that post I wrote that the best that we can do for others is to first choose for our own highest good. Part of choosing for our highest good is choosing to spend time with people who help us toward this end – people who reflect in their way of being, the way of being that we are cultivating. This is not a new idea – there is a word for this. The meaning of the Sanskrit word ‘satsang’ is an environment that is conducive to, and in the company of those who are seeking truth. More simply put – if we are seeking contentment, happiness, and truth, then we should endeavor to surround ourselves as often as possible with others who seek the same.
Again, Choice Lately we seem to talking more and more about choice, and this makes sense. In this new way of being that we are cultivating, we are raising our consciousness. Every time that we recognize an emotion and instead of reacting from that place we see it, and then choose to respond thoughtfully and with awareness, this is an example of choosing from our higher level of consciousness. The more often we choose from this place, the more freedom we gain. And the same applies when we find ourselves in the company of fear based thinking. The bubble that I mentioned is only partial protection. Our increasing self-awareness and our awareness of others form a layer of this bubble, and in this way our awareness protects us. But we still have to choose for our highest good in each moment, as often as we can remember to do so. We have to choose courage and compassion over fear. We have to choose contentment and cheerfulness over misery. We have to choose forgiveness and love over blame. Our practices help us choose and they support and encourage our new and heightened way of being, but we still have to choose it. In one moment followed by the next, over and over again.
For what it’s worth, and for the knowing that all is well.
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